Holding out on God

One of my most consistent struggles is this small, yet reoccurring thought which has put down roots somewhere in the back of my mind. Every now and then it seeps into my consciousness and speaks out loud, declaring,

“God is holding out on you”

Just so you understand that I’m not somewhere out there in tra-la-la-la-la land, I want firstly to admit to the arrogance of that thought. I lack for nothing. I have a husband who is crazy for me, 3 beautifully rough and tumbly boys, an old home that houses the five of us perfectly, a church community that lives the gospel, friends and family and, well…you get the idea. There is nothing I lack. So I want to make it clear that I recognize this thought for what it is – an arrogant lie that Satan offers, enticing me to consume. But the fact that it’s a lie hasn’t prevented its prevalence in my mind. It’s there. It dangles ever before me, whispering,

“God is holding out on you”

The audacity of the lie shouldn’t surprise me. After all, wasn’t this the first un-truth ever offered? The first lie that was ever uttered in the presence of man?

Genesis 3:1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees of in the garden, 3 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die’.” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will surely not die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of it’s fruit and ate…

Eve greedily consumed the lie that would lead to her death and later, I would follow. I entertain the lie just like our first mother did and every now and again I allow that thought to linger.

“God is holding out on you”

Like so many of Satan’s lies, I cannot quite put my finger on exactly how God is holding out on me, but nonetheless, it nags, it gnaws, it refuses to relent. It exists in the periphery of my mind as an uncomfortable feeling that I just can’t shake. The thought beats consistently, adding an unwelcome rhythm to my days and I sometimes I find myself thoughtlessly moving my feet to the beat,

“God is holding out on you”

So you can imagine my surprise this morning when I sat down to read His Word and heard this truth drop down, into the depths of my soul, land and echo –

“You’re holding out on God”

The truth of the statement was so bone-deep that I didn’t even waste a second trying to refute it.  It struck me hard and then settled instantly.

I’m holding out on God.

genesis 39image

Somehow the enemy has persuaded me to play the blame-game with One Who Gave It All and I foolishly roll the dice, but the fault lands on me. He gave everything so that I could come close and yet I shy away. I peek around the corner, take a few steps near and then retreat again. I am the one holding out.  I am self-conscience in the blazing light of His glory, and I worry about what might come to light in the light.  I fear what might be exposed. So, uncomfortable in my own skin, I keep checking myself in the mirror – what parts of me are showing that I have been working so hard to hide? Is the truth of my need for him unflattering on me? Does my bruised up past show? Can you see my blatant insecurities and hang-ups and hypocrisies? Yes. We are all laid bare before him.

No one stands perfect before the Son of God, but here I stand anyway, perfectly forgiven.  It all seems so wrong to me. The astonishing trade he made. His beauty for my ashes.

But then I remember that it is against the dark black backdrop of human sin and imperfection and depravity that His Beauty can most clearly be seen. He shines most brilliantly in the midst of our darkest places.

In the light of his beauty, my focus shifts to His image, not mine, and that’s the trick that finally exposes the lie. That lie that the enemy planted all that time ago in God’s good garden. The lie that would eventually take root in every human heart.  Tired of the bad taste it leaves in my mouth,  I pull it up by it’s roots, knowing that I must vigilantly resist consuming the lie that led to Eve’s death, lest it lead to mine, too, because one bite of that poisonous fruit gives way to what broke the garden in the first place – us, holding out out on God.

Genesis 3:8  And they heard the sound of The Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of The Lord God among the trees of the garden.  9 But The Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” 10 And he said, “I heard the sound  of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.”

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5 thoughts on “Holding out on God

  1. Thanks, Mel <3. I was purusing your blog to try to figure out any tricks to the trade but can't even figure out how to "follow" you. Do I have to sign up for a google account first? This world is so confusing…


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